Time Waits for No One

It's been two years since my mom left her corporal being for a higher plane of existence. She asked that we siblings look out for each other. We have failed. My sister and I are still close, and we always will be. My brother is another story. He has always been of a different mind than me. While I have valued connection to all things, old and new, he has always wanted the next best thing. It has come to a head with the decision to sell our parents' home. My sister and I tried desperately to keep it, but our brother has always wanted to sell. He's getting his way if only as a means for my sister and me to get away from him once and for all. He is not mean, but he is certainly selfish.

And So It Goes

Nanay & Tatay during their early marriage

It's been more than nine months since my mother died, and today marks the five-month anniversary of my father's death. I am someone who doesn't like to say "passed away." Seriously, I don't like to mince words about it. My mother had cancer and died. My father's heart was broken, and he died four months after her death. I rarely say my parents died to people who don't know me well. I do say that I lost them much more often than I say passed away. It just seems more honest. I do miss them -- especially when I think about this being the first Christmas without them. A little over a year ago, my mom was telling me that she would be gone by this time last year. There was no miracle -- maybe because her whole life was one. And really, that's what all our lives are. When we look at babies and think about what incredible miracles they are, we have to remember that we, too, were someone's little miracle however many years ago.

This is what Saturday night has become.

Seems like our Saturdays have settled into a workable routine. Wake up, exercise, clean, do laundry, work in my classroom, go to church, end up here.

Raw Nerves All Around

It's now been almost two weeks since my mother revealed that her doctor gave her an end date. Six months. Half a year. Certainly not enough time. Never enough time. My heart has never felt so battered as if anything could break me. And after this week, I do feel broken, and I am barely keeping everything together. Little by little, I tell people the truth -- that my mother is dying and that a year from now, she will likely be gone. No words, no gestures can make anything feel better.

I have chosen to work as much as I can because the structure makes me feel secure, and the constant busyness of teaching and grading and planning keeps my mind of the truth. The sincerity of my students makes my day, but today, the callousness of youth has done me in. In their ignorance and naïveté, they show how little they really know, how little they value. It cuts me, and yet, I go back to work every day. I am so fortunate to be paid for doing what I love, but days like today make me question my choice. During all the great days I have, I always experience some that are not so good, and today was one of them.

What Just Happened?

It's been a while since I've posted, and I feel like the focus of my blog has not been there. Time to regroup, rethink, and reinvent! My life has been a jumble, but I am slowly sorting it out.

Pick Me. Choose Me. Love me.

For those of you who watch "Grey's Anatomy," you'll recognize the title from Meredith's second season speech to Derek when he must decide between Meredith and his wife. On this Sunday before the first day of school, I find myself in this situation -- certainly not in my personal life since I am married to my best friend -- but in my professional life. After my short stint as an English teacher at my dream school, I lost my job to budget cuts and union/HR rules. All summer, I'd referred to it as "my school," always hoping that it would be my home until I retired. I allowed myself to believe that some miracle would happen, and I would be back. Alas, it is not to be this school year even though I love my school "in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your bedroom window unfortunate way." I am not dark and twisty. I will be back.

I Should Have Listened to My iPod

As some people know, I landed a temporary teaching job at my dream school this spring. Today was my first formal observation by an administrator. The lesson could not have gone any worse unless a fist fight broke out in my class. I was really trying to be a rock star, but I felt like a big loser. It just did not go well at all. I've been working hard at this job, so I just have to come back from it and learn from my mistakes. I'm still a rock star.